The Pendulum Swings Again

Why can't I seem to do anything right anymore?

Palpak, palpak, palpak. Lagi na lang palpak.

I'm getting really tired of this.

Everything's happening like last year again, on a much smaller scale, admittedly - but I don't fucking need this.

Why can't I just make like an amoeba and not feel anything?

* * *

There are some days (or nights) when you just feel that nothing is going right. Last night (August 31) was one of them.

I don't know why, and neither can I explain how it felt. I was dead-tired, still half-hung-over from Embassy the previous night, and yet I couldn’t sleep.

I told my roommate, Tony: “Remember last week when you told me that you felt like you were going to die that very day? I’m feeling something similar now – but different in the sense in that I think I’m not going to wake up once I fall asleep.”

* * *

I’ve only been sober three of the past six nights, and I plan to get myself hammered senseless tonight and tomorrow night too. Yeah, I’m borderline alcoholic; bite me.

* * *

An ex-girlfriend once told me that I was too much of a control freak – that I had to be in control of myself, my world, and the people around me as well. I don’t know if it’s that bad, but I’m starting to realize that maybe it’s true.

Yeah, I may be one of the more spontaneous people you’ll ever know (or maybe my personality’s just too erratic, I don’t know), but I still have to maintain some degree of control over myself or my grades, at the very least. But I’ve been seriously fucking up recently – emotionally, academically, and even physically – and I don’t like it.

* * *

It’s September 1, people. Let me be the first one to greet you a very merry Christmas.

It sure looks like it’s going to be another cold, lonely, one for me, though.

In Which He Notices the Weather, Among Other Things

Is it just me, or today just feels different? I mean, it feels like a set plucked out of some weird art film I just happened to wake up in.

* * *

I woke up at 11 o'clock this morning, despite setting my annoying alarm clock to ring at 8 o'clock. I set it that early so that I'd have a few hours to cram for my Econometrics exam at noon. Oh well, what I just want to say - I guess - is that I didn't get to study at all.

So I think I just horribly failed the test. I should've studied last night instead of spending the night watching dibidis - which, by the way, were so cool: 2046, Match Point, and A Scanner Darkly. I was kind of hoping that the test would've been easy; after all, I had a perfect record for all my Econometrics quizzes and problem sets anyway, right?

But no! The test had to be reminiscent of Stat 109 under that... grinning thing of a teacher of mine. Fucking A. It wouldn't matter whether you had studied or not because you wouldn't get what the whole test was about anyway.

Okay, enough ranting. I went out of the classroom with some of my classmates for a post-test cig. I looked around, and it was really queer - the whole of the courtyard in between De La Costa and SocSci was covered in fog. What the fuck. I've seen fog in Ateneo before - when I used to live in Cervini - but never during the daytime.

* * *

I think the weather might be partly responsible for everyone's generally foul mood today, like the fog somehow forces everyone to get up on the wrong side of their bed and drift around like zombies.

I did something in class that I haven't done in a long time. The teacher had just completed writing this long proof regarding the uses of matrix in multiple linear regression, and I found it marvelous, so I blurted out "Astonishing!" to the surprise of my classmates. That was stupid, but kind of funny, I guess.

Two of my classmates mentioned that they felt like vomiting right after taking the exam. One of the guys I was smoking with post-test mentioned that he vomited right before the exam.

I feel like vomiting now.

* * *
Taking a clue from Sir Aly, the song of the week seems to be the Itchyworms' Akin Ka Na Lang. Right, Tony? Haha

Akin ka na lang (akin ka na lang)
Iingatan ko ang puso mo
Akin ka na lang (akin na lang)
Wala nang hihigit pa sa'yo

Boo. :(

* * *

I found out something that relatively boosted my self-esteem today though. Thanks.

"Bakit ganon? Ang swangit naman. Kadiri."

* * *

Why can't I seem to write well today? No, not just that - I just can't do anything right today. Fuck.

I hope it's just the weather; maybe the state of things will change when night falls.

I am getting so drunk tonight.

In Which He is Overwhelmed

I woke up an hour or so ago after seven hours of sleep.

At 11 o'clock this morning, I took my cough syrup and popped two Tylenols - I think I might have the flu, you see - set my alarm clock for 1 in the afternoon, and took a short nap.

I completely passed out and woke up at 6:30 in the evening, with five messages on my cellphone from various people who were looking for me. I'm really sorry, friends. I hope you understand.

Now it's 7 o'clock and I'm wide awake.

I really should be studying for my Econometrics long test tomorrow afternoon, working on the punchy sample article for Slate magazine that was due today, or starting to work on my group's one-month late superproject paper for POM - but I just can't bring myself to.

It's one of those Friday nights that are on the butt end of one hell week, and on the cusp of another - when you usually go out with your friends, spend half the past week's allowance to get yourself happily drunk, and flirt with a girl (or two) hoping she's as drunk enough as you are to make your night worthwhile.

But no - I'm going to be in the condo the whole night. It's not that I really should be doing my school work. I'm just too lonely.

I haven't felt like this in months. I don't know - I guess I've been too busy since school started to actually bother with being lonely. But I'm as busy now as I've always been, and I just can't bring myself to work.

Right now, I just want to be underneath a bright, cloudless, summer night. I want to be in Cuenca Park in Ayala Alabang. I want to just be silent, be satisfied, be happy - to just be - counting stars with somebody on a stone bench in the middle of nowhere.

Loneliness can be so overwhelming sometimes.

In Which He Discovers Something New

I just discovered Multiply's cross-posting feature.

Fucking coolness, man!

My entries actually look better if you read them off my multiply site.

Midnight Entry # 6 - In Which He Falls Sick

I've started to suffer from Senior Syndrome.

Oh, no.

Someone save me please.

I'm Getting Old

I'm not as robust as I used to be.

I typed 26 pages in 8 hours this morning - from 12 MN to 9 AM. I'm too tired now.

My back hurts.

In Which He Has a Change of Heart

I got a letter from Procter & Gamble this morning, inviting me to complete an application for a position with them as early as next week.

I feel really weird about it, though.

I mean, I've been looking forward to this since high school - you know, the multibillion-dollar-worth-companies-offering-you-jobs even-before-you-graduate-from-university kind of experience. In fact, I think the prospect of this happening to me is what actually enticed me into getting into this hellish, impractical course of mine in the first place.

And well, now that I've actually attained what I theoretically worked my ass off for the past three-and-a-half years, now that I'm actually here - I find that I'm not as excited as I think I should be. It didn't even make me smile; hell, I don't even feel anything special about it.

I know that I'm at great risk of sounding like an arrogant, ungrateful asshole again, and I also know that hundreds of people would sell their left testicles or ovaries for this kind of opportunity, but I simply don't know what direction to take with my life after I graduate.

Part of me wants to continue with this - I mean, I am a marketing-oriented person after all, and P&G is the biggest consumer goods company in the world - but look how my summer-long stint with the second biggest consumer goods company in the world turned out.

Several other parts of me want me to go somewhere else - the pharmaceutical industry, for example, where I can leverage on my dad's name to get to a high-up position rather quickly; I'm also considering further studies in law, which several good friends of mine are encouraging me to get into. I just honestly don't know, and I'm sure you'd have to agree that it's kind of too late for me to rush head-long into decisions that I might just regret later on.

What do I actually want?, you may ask.

To tell the truth, I want to either be a travel writer for Lonely Planet, or just recently, a Vice President for Disney International. That would be heavenly.

What should I do?

Random Realizations # 4 - On Fickleness

I can't believe it.

I've actually become fickle.

So this is what it feels like. I don't like it.

Ang labo mo kasi.

Midnight Entry # 5 - In Which He Writes About Loss and is Humbled

I think I might've jinxed my good luck by writing about it.

I'm sure those of you on my YM list know that I lost my phone recently. It was pretty stupid of me actually - it was 2:30 in the morning, I had just finished writing the previous entry, and was in McDonald's Katipunan with my roommate happily munching away on McNuggets and salty fries. And there - I think I might've left my phone on the table when we walked back home.

By the time I had realized my phone was missing (around an hour later, I believe) it was already turned off and I couldn't contact it anymore. I walked to McDo at 4:00 and ended up going through the trash bins with the server on duty to see if he "accidentally" threw it away.

That really ruined my day. Because I didn't have my phone anymore - hence no alarm clock - I wasn't able to wake up at 8:00 later that morning and ended up standing up my groupmates at an important meeting. I woke up at 10:00, ran to school for my 10:45 Th151 orals with Andrew, and ended up totally screwing it up.

You can probably imagine how pissed I was for the rest of the day because my good luck seemed to have turned so quickly. Strange, though, that I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be; maybe the positive vibes from the past week were still rubbing off on me, I don't know.

Thankfully, my parents didn't get mad when I told them that I lost my phone - I mean, after all, I haven't bought a new phone in four years, and that phone was just a hand-me-down from my dad. Oh, and it just came free with a postpaid plan too.

Anyway - I was smoking in front of the condo, telling Anna and Ding about how unlucky I suddenly was, when two street kids came along to ask me for loose change. I was still bitching about my phone, so I gave them the cold shoulder and kept on ranting.

Anna and Ding went up to the condo and I hadn't finished my stick yet, so I ended up sitting alone on the front steps. The two kids sat beside me and kept asking me for loose change, so I gave them six pesos to split between themselves.

The younger of the two kids, a little girl barely old enough to talk, then pointed to the Havaianas I was wearing:

Kuya, ang ganda naman ng tsinelas mo. Akin na lang! Wala akong tsinelas o.
[Big brother, you have such nice slippers. Can I have them? Look I don't have slippers on.]

She then lifted her legs to show me her bare feet.

Feeling a little goofy, I told her:

Ngek. Madadapa ka 'pag sinuot mo 'to no. Tingnan mo wala pang kalahati ng paa ko 'yung paa mo.
[What? You'll trip if you wear these, you know. Look - your foot isn't even half mine!]

I put the sole of my foot opposite hers to show her the size disparity.

She then said:

Kuya nasira kasi tsinelas ko eh. Sabi ng nanay ko bibili kami ng tsinelas diyan sa palengke pag may pera na kami. Sana sa susunod na linggo.
[But big brother, I broke my slippers. My mom says that we're going to buy new ones at the market when we have the money already. Hopefully that'll be next week.]

I kept quiet for a while; I didn't know what to say.

She then goes:

Kuya, alam mo ba, namatay nung nakaraang linggo yung dalawa kong kapatid. Ako na lang yung baby sa bahay ngayon. Ay hindi pala, nanganak ulit si nanay - tatlo na ulit kaming bata sa bahay.
[Big brother, do you know that my two siblings died last week? I'm the only baby left at home now. No, wait - my mom just gave birth again - we're three kids at home now.]

Surprised, I asked her what her siblings died of.

She said:

Nakakain daw kasi sila ng masamang bacteria - ayun 'di naman po namin kaya sila ipa-ospital. Namatay na lang po sila.
[They supposedly ingested some sort of harmful bacteria, apparently. We couldn't afford to send them to the hospital, so there - they died.]

Then she smiles.

That incident made me feel so ashamed of myself.

Midnight Entry # 4 - In Which He Craves for Food

Late night cravings are the worst.

Mrs. Fields' White Chocolate Chip Cookies

Cibo's Fettucine Carbonara

Baskin' Robbins' Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

Teriyaki Boy Chicken

Pritchon

Lechon Cebu

MISTER KABAB

Yakisoba

McDonald's Chicken Nuggets

Jollibee's Chicken Joy

California Maki

EBI TEMPURA

Buffalo Wings

CPK CHICKEN BARBEQUE PIZZA

A BIG FAT BLOODY STEAK

BABY BACK RIBS

I am drooling. I hate this.

I Hope I Don't Jinx Myself By Blogging This...

... but I seem to be undergoing a rather fortuitous time in my life.

Finally, eh?

It's not that nothing bad's happening to me recently - no, shit still happens; this is life, after all. It's more like the shit just doesn't hit the fan anymore, which is a welcome relief in my opinion. For once, life seems to be giving me a break.

I've been really worried recently about my group's super project recently (yeah, the integrated paper for three 3-unit classes: QMT 129, POM 105, and L&S 125) because we haven't started on our first output yet, which was due two weeks ago. Actually, fine - we don't have a company to audit yet.

So there, I was working on my POM WAC 1 in Starbucks last night, when I got a call from Sir Johnny:

Sir: Jonat, do you have a company for your superproject already?
Jonat: Yes sir, I've already talked to my mom and it looks like the semiconductor company she's working for seems interested in having us audit them.
Sir: Ah, sayang. I have a company here looking for someone to do some consultancy work for them. Do you know of any other groups in your batch who still don't have a company to work for?
Jonat: I don't think so, sir. Why?
Sir: This is from the management of a resort in Cebu who's willing to fly a group of students in absolutely free, at least twice. They need it that badly.
Jonat: WHAT!? SIR KAMI NA LANG KAMI NA LANG! I'll talk to my groupmates.
Sir: Yes, you should do that. Contact me if you make up your mind.
Jonat: [I almost said abso-fucking-lutely] Absolutely! Thanks sir!

And there - I'll be flying to Cebu at least twice this sem. Fuck my Monday morning P.E. classes, right? Cebu, here I come baby. I missed you.

This afternoon in my L&S 125 class, Maron gave me a letter to apply for a training "bootcamp" for the Top 25 Marketing Management Trainees, which I humbly and honestly don't know how I qualified for. I mean, my marketing grades were good, but not at the top of my class, and I totally fucked up my group's oral presentation. Maybe it's because I have all these crazy ideas? I mean, all my WACs involved some wacky idea that I bullshat into existence. (i.e. I just wrote a 10-page paper on how a bicycle manufacturing company in Japan should next focus on a program to let consumers Pimp their Bikes. What the hell.)

And to think that I was considering another career choice after graduation because I didn't think I'd be cut out for marketing or sales (because of my rather disappointing experience as a summer intern in a consumer goods manufacturing company). I'm actually pretty excited about this.

That's it for now.

Wish me even more luck :)

Cheers!