Sunrise Entry # 1

I didn't get any sleep.

Seven shots of espresso did the trick. My pulse rate at around midnight was off the charts. It didn't go down until around three in the morning, just after I finished typing the previous entry, and at which point I decided that I should try getting some sleep.

But I didn't get any sleep at all. I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in bed, thinking of everything that happened during the school year.

And then I realized - this is what it feels like to not have any direction in life at all. I don't know where I'm headed; I don't know what I want to become; I don't know what or who I am. I don't even feel alive anymore. Yes, my depression's acting up again.

All I do is sleep, eat, study, think, and take tests.

I'm off to beg my seven-thirty class's professor to give me extra consideration since I really just might lose my scholarship this year. Wish me luck.

[UPDATE: My Development Economics standing is much worse than I was expecting. I'm at a low C (2.00). I need a fucking B+ (3.50). God, I've never been this frightened about my grades before. FUCK IT I'M PANICKING. PUTANGINA PUTANGINA. The professor doesn't seem to want to give any consideration, and he doesn't want to give bonus work. I'm seriously fucked.]

And I have a long test at six in the evening, which I'm going to fail miserably. Let's hope that I won't.

[UPDATE: The long test was a give-away. It was supposed to be about queueing theory (how to optimize a queueing model given mean arrival/interarrival times and mean service times, and how many channels are given, if you need to know) but ended up being an exercise in basic probability (Poisson and exponential distributions). And it surely helps that I took the test in an annoyingly perky mood despite thirty hours of non-sleep. Yehey.]