A Realization

I've been doing a lot of reflecting and reminiscing recently - you know, reading my high school write-ups and palanca letters, browsing through my grade school and high school photo albums and paraphernalia, and going through my Friendster testimonials a couple of times, that kind of stuff - and I realize how different I really am from my perceived and outdated image of myself.

Arun, apparently, seems to be going through a similar phase.

For a start, I don't seem to be the happy-go-lucky, funny, tactless Jonat of yore anymore. I mean, I don't even remember the last time I actually told an honest-to-goodness joke (Chuck Norris facts don't count, okay?). If you knew me back in high school, that statement alone would surprise you; back then, I could make your ears bleed from all the corny jokes I used to tell. And apparently, my Friendster testimonials reveal that I seem to have told a lot of jokes back in first year. I don't know - maybe that aspect of my personality didn't really fit in college life; hence, I was forced to change my persona to something more acceptable.

And I think (confirm this please, dear reader) that I've actually turned into a quiet, reflective person (gasp!). I used to be the type of person who'd have his foot in his mouth fifty percent of the time; now, I actually think before I speak. Not that this is bad in itself - mind you - but I think it has effectively made me a boring, dull boy with no personality whatsoever.

I'm certainly more pessimistic now (which I wouldn't have thought possible a couple of years ago). But then again, aren't we all? Going through a lot of shit did take its toll on my morale. It's not that I actually want to be like this, you know - it just feels like I've lost my ability to believe in myself again.

Ah, yes, I'm rambling again. I seem to be doing a lot of that recently.

The main point of this entry is that I don't seem to know who I am anymore.

[EDIT: Another realization - maybe I just don't have enough opportunities to show my true self anymore. What do you think?]

I'm serious. I'd really appreciate it if you could enlighten me. What kind of persona do I project when I write? If you know me personally, does this persona jive with your understanding of me? Do you even understand me? Have I really changed that much? How much, exactly?

Yes, I am aware that this sounds like an essay question for a literary appreciation class. But I'm dead serious; I'd really appreciate your honest opinion (in other words, HELP).

Thank you.