Achtung!

From now on I'll be posting all my new blog entries on my Multiply site instead: http://jjoson.multiply.com.

Blogger has simply become too much of a bitch to use. Thanks.

My AEGIS Write-Up [Incomplete]

It's been more than a week since the supposed deadline for my write-up and I still haven't submitted anything.

I've been trying to write myself a decent one in my free time - you know, a positive one that I'd be proud to read a decade or so later - but I just can't. I'm going to complete this entry when I finally get to write such a write-up, but in the meantime, I'm going to post the only thing I've actually been able to write. I'm warning you, it's quite depressing.

* * *

Jonathan found it extremely difficult to make himself an optimistic write-up (Aren’t college yearbook write-ups supposed to be optimistic because all of his children and grandchildren will probably want to read it?), so he decided to write himself a pessimistic write-up first instead.

Well, to start with, Jonathan feels that he has never done anything right during the four years he was in college (okay, three-and-a-half, if you insist on being technical). I mean, come on – to begin with, he’s in the wrong fucking course, for crying out loud. The last time that he felt he fit in Management Engineering was during the last drinking session that the last seriously drinking batch threw when before they graduated last year; yet, he’s only sat in on one Comm class in his entire stay in college and he instantly felt at home in it. And as such, he totally fucked up his grades. Yes, he knows he’s better off than most of his batch when it comes to comparing numeric QPI – but his is simply not just good enough to get him where he wants to go. What now of US MBAs and Ph. Ds? What now of the grand plan in life which he’s had since he was ten years old?

Jonathan doesn’t remember the last time he was genuinely happy – no he does, actually, but he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. All he remembers of college is going home drunk, staying up late typing papers irrelevant to what he wants to do in life, staring at the computer screen trying to make sense of everything that’s happening to him, staying up in bed thinking of what he’s doing with his life, and well – simply being lonely.

To be fair, Jonathan has met hundreds of people in Ateneo (and hopefully has made an equal number of friends too), and he’s been able to travel to dozens of places in the Philippines during his stay in college – and yet he doesn’t understand why he just feels so fucking alone.

He can’t even finish his attempt at a write-up.

* * *

No way I can send that in, eh?

I asked a few close friends of mine to make me write-ups too, and this is the best that I received (Hey, just tell me if you don't want me to post this okay?). I just wish that I could actually write something like it for myself.

* * *

Jonathan Joson.

College made him different, that's one thing for sure. Outwardly, he became the party animal I always knew was inside of him waiting to get out. His blood has probably more alcohol content than anyone I could ever know. On the inside, he became just a little bit more pessimistic, a little bit more afraid of disappointment, a little bit more insecure, and a lot more experienced in getting hurt. That's Jonat, not as other people see him, but how he sees himself. You'll probably think he doesn't give himself much credit. And he doesn't. That's just how he's always been. Way more talented in seeing what's wrong with him than the things I find so beautiful about him.

You see, Jonat, as much as he might try to deny it, was never very good at being selfish. True, he wants love. True, he wants affection. True, he wants someone who'll see past all his faults. But doesn't everyone? From high school up to college, this hasn't changed about him: he still has the capability to love someone so deeply that every sacrifice in the world becomes meaningless in the process. He gives so much of himself when he loves, and I don't think the pain he's experienced in his life will change that when the girl who's meant for him comes along. (Yes, i believe that). His selflessness doesn't just manifest in the way he can love a person, but more so in the way he loves his family. I love the way his eyes light up when he tells me about how Jessica just commented that the moon is smiling, or how he gets so excited when he's telling me how big Jeremy's gotten. I love the way I can see he still finds hope in the way his parents hold hands while they're cruising around the mall. Jonat is amazing when he loves. I just don't think he realizes it.

The bizzare thing about life is that you can mean soooo much to one person and feel absolutely disgusted at yourself because of the next.

I find it horrible that some people can treat Jonat like dirt. I find it horrible that some people can't look at him and see what I have always believed to be beautiful. Because Jonat will always be the first person who found out when I broke up with my ex and was there to comfort me. That wasn't because I figured he was the only one awake, but because I knew that even if he'd been asleep, he would've gotten straight out of bed to get to me, to comfort me, and make sure that before he left, I could still look at myself and see something special. Jonat will always be the guy who was drunk, but was still determined to stand up for me in Bacolod, when my boyfriend was doing something wrong. Jonat will always be the guy who will keep on saying bad stuff about himself, but will never say one bad word about me. Jonat will always be the guy I know I can depend on to listen to something silly I have to say, and I will always know him as the guy who saved me and kept me standing at the lowest point of my life.

Strangely enough, I realize that Jonat is the person who can be totally selfless when I want to become selfish.

Perhaps some might think I've been talking about the Jonat everyone knew in high school, but I'm not. Sure, his lifestyle has changed. His outlook on life has changed, too. But the past few years we've spent in college, I think I've spent enough time with him to know that his hurt justifies this. I've spent too many Friday nights drinking coffee and talking with him to know that he still can laugh at the corniest of jokes, that he can still appreciate the simplest of things, and that he can still love until there's nothing left of him.

Then again, maybe one other thing has changed about him. His dreams have become a lot simpler: He just wants to be happy.

Like I said, doesn't everyone?

On Milenyo

Since everyone else has seemed to write about (or post photos of) how the recent typhoon affected their homes and lives, this entry is going to be short and sweet. I still have so much work to finish tonight.

I woke up in the middle of the storm to a partially flooded apartment and the horrific pounding of rain against the windows.

The first coherent thought that formed in my not-yet-fully-conscious mind was:

It's the end of the world and I'm going to die alone. Utterly and completely alone.