New Year's Day: On Thanksgiving and Fresh Starts

i. Lessons

They say that New Year's Day is a time for looking back – for appreciating old (and new) friends, for being thankful for the blessings you’ve received in the previous year, for learning from the mistakes you made, and for remembering the events you made immortal in the form of the memories you kept, the stories you told, and the moments you shared with other people.

I'm going to start this post with an understatement: the previous year was not a good one for me. If you're curious, the only three that actually were are 7th grade (1998) - the most memorable, 3rd year high (2001) - the most successful, and my 2nd year of college (2004) - the happiest. Last year, to put it lightly, sucked while I was going through it, and in hindsight, it still sucks. But as New Year's Entries go, I guess I just have to plug my nose, put on my flippers, and dive feet-first into the cesspool that was 2005.

I can describe my experience of 2005 in three words: I grew up. It rhymes with "threw up", and it sure feels like it too.

In 2005:

I gave my best, and failed - dozens of times, believe me.

I trusted people, and I was betrayed, and yet I trusted again.

I loved - my God, did I love - and got my heart broken so badly that if you could’ve seen it, it would probably have been nothing more than a beating clump of clogged arteries, venal blood, rose petals, and pieces of glass.

I mourned with those who had lost loved ones, and mourned for one of my dearest friends (I miss you Ate Rej).

I got drunk, and I got high, and I got sick.

I failed, and I fought on - fighting the battle of those who had everything to lose.

I had a childhood dream shattered, and woke up in a cold sweat from a lot of new nightmares.

I lost my best friend, and rekindled relationships with old ones.

I got hurt, and disillusioned, and desperate, and I almost lost hope in life. And more than once, I wanted it all to end.

And yet, at the end of it all, I found that I had grown up, and I had survived. And most importantly, I had learned.

I learned, for instance, that there are different kinds of friends: there are "friends" - 'nuff said, and there are those people who you come across once or twice, and yet leave a permanent mark on your life; you have friends na pang-classroom lang, and friends na pang-inuman lang; you have your childhood friends, and you have your high school friends; and there are FRIENDS, who you'll be stupid to ever let go of. And I learned to value these friends - they are the Godsends who will celebrate with you when you're at your utmost best, will see you through your very worst, and will not be afraid to tell you when you are fucking your life up. Arun, Andrew, Kristina - maraming salamat.

I also learned to value my family - and God, do I love them. They took me in at my very weakest, nurtured me back to health, and loved me when I believed myself unlovable. And I swear – I am going to protect them with everything I could muster; God pity the person who tries to hurt them in any way.

I have learned to laugh – to laugh after failing a test, to laugh at myself, to laugh when I’m feeling vulnerable, to laugh out loud for absolutely no other reason than the fun of it, to laugh at the sheer absurdity of a situation, and to laugh after crying my heart out.

I have learned to cram, and to prioritize, and to sacrifice. I have learned to give without expecting anything in return. I learned how to make life-changing decisions, and to be responsible for their consequences. I learned that there are some things you just can’t do anything about, and that there are some things you just have to do something about.

Most importantly, I think that somewhere along the way I learned to hope again – to believe that things are still going to get better; to continue believing that if you want something badly enough, and if you try hard enough, you are going to get it; and to believe that people are inherently good and trustworthy. And call me a hopeless romantic, I still find that I continue to believe in love – all I have to do is look at my parents cuddling in bed, or holding hands while walking in the mall – and I swear, I want that, more than anything else.

I think… I have learned to live.

ii. Resolutions

They also say that New Year’s is for resolutions, fresh starts, second chances, and a new life. The weird thing about resolutions is that people often view them as goals that they have to achieve in the following year; rather, I think they're supposed to be formulated to resolve certain issues you had the previous year, or re-solve those that you weren't able to overcome. So here are my New Year's resolutions; and I don’t know why, but I’ve never felt this optimistic for the upcoming year.

Well, to start with, I think it’s time to fix my life again. I’m tired of my friends dragging me home from bars drunk every week; I’m tired of skipping classes because of spending the whole of the previous night thinking in bed; I’m tired of my roommates walking in on me, a wasted wreck on the sofa, and pitying me; and I’m tired of people asking me if I’m okay whenever I come into class with my eyes puffy.

It’s time to start over. For the third time in my life (and possibly the last), I’m graduating, and I’ll be damned if anyone takes my last year of school away from me. And such is my New Year’s resolution, if I was supposed to give just one: It’s time to stop taking things for granted.

It’s time to take my studies seriously again – and show those bastards what the old Jonathan was like, before he fucked up. It’s time to stop moping about not having gone abroad when I had the chance, and to start doing something about actually getting the chance again. It’s time to dream again – I still want that Ivy League MBA, more than ever before, actually – and believe me, I am going to do anything I could to get my grades back up. This time there won’t be any distractions.

I’m going to start seriously losing weight – after all, I do want to get to see my grandkids, and their kids. And I want to see the Philippines rise up from the ashes too. I want to see a cure for AIDS, and flying cars, and cities on the Moon.

Most importantly, perhaps, it’s time to move on. True, I never loved anyone as much as I loved her; never have I given so much of myself to another person; and never have I tried to be the best person I could for anyone else. True, no one else has inspired me the way she has – to write poetry and prose, to make music, to draw, to create, and to achieve; neither has anyone ever made me happier than she did. And I tried to be the best boyfriend, and the most perfect best friend I could for her because, well, I loved her. But something happened along the way, and I fucked up my life last year trying to find out just what that thing was – and now that I know what that something is, I realize that it’s not worth fighting for anymore. I’m actually starting to doubt that the whole relationship was, if the whole time she was capable of doing what she did. And so it all ends here. I honestly wish she and I could become friends again some time in the future, but I don’t think I could stomach it, after that. And so it’s time to move on. Thank you for the past three years, princess – it’s been a blast – and please take care of yourself, because I won’t be around to do that anymore.

And with that, it’s time to change. I think it’s time to stop using alcohol as an escape from reality, and as self-inflicted punishment for “the things I did wrong”, and to start using it to celebrate with friends, the way it should be used. And I think it’s seriously time to gradually stop smoking – I’m not getting any younger, anyway. However, I think long, interesting conversations with the friends I met through the habit are worth losing a few more minutes of my life for.

It’s time to travel around the Philippines, before we eventually destroy everything; it’s time to soak up the sun, and to lie wasted on the sand, all while listening to good old reggae and sipping Super Dry.

It’s time to meet more people, and to touch more lives, and to do what is right. And somewhere along the way, I hope to rediscover myself.

It’s time to enjoy, and to party, and to celebrate life! Cheers, people! Happy New Year!

iii. A Problem

I’m starting the New Year with a serious dilemma though – and after a few nights of thinking through it, I guess there’s no other course of action anyway.

I’m going to do what’s right.